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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29817192">Often I am upset (That I cannot fall in love)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayraspberry/pseuds/gayraspberry'>gayraspberry</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Boys Will Be Bugs [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Demiboy Character, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, IRL Fic, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Character, Platonic Relationships, They/Them Pronouns for Eret (Video Blogging RPF), Trans TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Uh oh!, i forgot that tag existed. shame on me, its tommy :), please can we get more eret &amp; tommy friendship i'm starving</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:27:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,335</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29817192</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayraspberry/pseuds/gayraspberry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy always knew he was a guy, and that he liked girls. No doubt about it.</p><p>..Okay, maybe he has some doubts.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eret &amp; TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), No Romantic Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Boys Will Be Bugs [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2194728</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>134</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1148</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Completed stories I've read</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello !! i've had this written for a couple days but i finally decided to post it now :) </p><p>if any ccs are uncomfortable then i'll take this down!! this is completely fictional and based on their personas &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ever since he was a kid, Tommy knew he was straight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a given afterall, he was a boy, and boys are supposed to like girls. That’s what he’s been taught, so why wouldn’t he believe it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even though he grew up in a small town with a religious family, he never thought gay people were bad. Actually, he never knew they even existed until his parents let him go on the internet by himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To Tommy, gay people were just people. He never thought badly of them, he just knew he only liked girls. He always has, and he always will.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Tommy started to get older, he realized that might not be true. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When his streaming career started to take off, there were multiple people in his chat and donos asking him to say he supports various sexualities. For the ones he knew, like Lesbian, Gay, Bi, and Trans, he did so immediately. There were a couple terms he didn’t know, so he always looked up what they meant before confirming that he supported them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Through the DreamSMP he met Eret. When he looked up their Twitter and their other social medias, he saw that they used all pronouns. Tommy immediately started panicking, because he had only used “he” on stream for them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time the blond finally got the balls to message them and apologize, he was close to tears. He felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>awful.</span>
  </em>
  <span> His message read, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘hey i saw in your twt bio that you use all pronouns and i realized that i’ve only been calling you he and i’m so so sorry. it’s my fault for not checking earlier and i feel really bad. is there anything i can do to make up for it?? obviously i’m gonna start using the right pronouns and stuff but i could gift you like 100 subs and never talk to you again if that’s what you want’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Eret responded not even an hour later. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘hey tommy! I appreciate the apology but honestly it's not needed. you didn’t know, and i can tell you’re really upset over it. there’s no reason, because “he” is still a pronoun i use! i would rather you not spend your money on me, and i would never want you to stop talking to me over something as small as this. you’re a good kid.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy was still gonna gift the subs, but he was relieved that they weren't mad. After the interaction, the two started to talk more and more often. Even after their ‘betrayal’ on the server, and he acted like he was pissed, he immediately went to apologize once the cameras were off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Almost every time Eret streamed, Tommy was there. He used an alt account, because he didn’t want the viewers to scream about him being in chat, or for them to even know he was there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Watching their streams actually taught him way more about the LGBT+ community. He listened to every text-to-speech donation, and read all of the long heartfelt coming out messages in chat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy was more interested in some of them than he should have been. Every time someone started talking about being aromantic and how it felt, he related to it a little too much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With that small realization, and a rapidly growing anxious pit in his stomach, he turned to google. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He started with the easy questions. He made sure he knew every definition of the word, and what it meant to be aromantic. Next, he tried the stupid ‘Am I Aromantic?’ quizzes that never worked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(He ignored that every single test he took was positive. The quizzes can be wrong. They’re usually wrong.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With every article he read, it became more and more obvious. But, he liked girls. He was supposed to like girls. He’s an only child, and his parents want him to carry on a bloodline. His parents always talked about him meeting a nice girl and settling down. He was always talking about girls on stream. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> to like girls.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But maybe that mindset was wrong, because other people are allowed to like the same gender. Why was he any different? Why was his mind so set on liking girls? The thought of marrying or even kissing one was gross to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, maybe Tommy is Aromantic. And Asexual.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once he figured that out, he was content to take it to the grave. Telling his parents is completely out of the equation, and telling SBI is too much of a risk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>While trying to ignore how right the labels feel, he gets a notification that Eret is live.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He switches to his alt, one that literally nobody knows about, and starts to watch the stream. It’s a chill stream, but Tommy is incredibly anxious. He’s going to send a coming out text to speech dono, and nobody will know it’s him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He puts in his card information, writes the message, and hits send.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘hey eret, very recently i figured out that i’m probably aroace? it took awhile for me to actually realize it but now that i have it feels really right. i don’t think i’m ready to come out to people around me so i figured i would come here. a pogchamp or two would be really appreciated -tree’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Tree is an old nickname of his, originally used to mock how tall he is. He thinks of it as a second name now, and it was the only thing he could think of to sign off as.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes a couple minutes for the message to pop up on screen, but when it does Eret looks away from their main monitor to listen to it. When it finishes playing, they smile brightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, Tree! If AroAce feels right, then that’s Pogchamp! I’m proud of you! I know how hard it can be to come out, so you shouldn’t feel pressured to. I’m glad you feel safe here, I try really hard to make everyone feel accepted. Can we get a Pogchamp for Tree in chat?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If their words didn’t already have him in tears, then the hundreds of positive messages that flew by definitely would have done the trick. He reads all of them, and sends a highlighted thanks in chat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After the stream ends, Tommy rings Eret on discord. They pick up almost immediately, and the two exchange greetings. The blond congratulates the other on a good stream, and their conversation flows naturally after that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The 16 year old really appreciates the sibling relationship the two have. Sure, he has SBI and he loves them just as much, but their dynamics are different. With Eret, it’s mostly advice and chill conversations, where it’s all yelling and banter with SBI.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the call falls into a slight lull, Tommy decides to finally say what’s been on his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, do you remember all of the donos you get?” Start off simple. Work your way into it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, if they sign off with a name or have a running theme, I remember them for a couple weeks. I remember all of them for a few days but only the ones that stick out stay for longer. Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You remember that dono from Tree today?” Okay, not very subtle, but it’s possible to save it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah! They came out as AroAce and asked for a Pogchamp!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was me.” You fucked it up. How did you speedrun your own coming out?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eret pauses, clearly surprised. Then, “I’m still proud, yknow?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now Tommy is the surprised one. He can’t help but blurt, “But- But I hid behind a donation? And a nickname? I couldn’t even tell you one on one, why the hell would you be proud? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But aren’t you doing it now? Coming out to me? It’s the same thing, kid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess, but-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No buts. I can imagine how hard this must have been for you, and you’re really brave. Of course I support you. You support me, so I think it’s only fair.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy smiles slightly, “I don’t think that’s how that works, big man, but thanks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It works like that because I say so!” Eret laughs, “Of course, Toms.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If a couple weeks later, Tommy has a couple small buttons behind his monitor displaying the aromantic and asexual flags, then only the two of them need to know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’ll tell people when he’s ready, no rush.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. But little do we know, the stars welcome him with open arms</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED ON THE FIRST CHAPTER SAYING YOU WERE INTERESTED IN THIS PART!!!</p>
<p>i know i said this was short (and it kinda still is) but i added a couple hundred words!! hope this lives up to your expectations :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>If you were to ask Tommy, he would say he’s the happiest he’s been in a long time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s almost seventeen now, and the labels have been working really well. It feels amazing to have it all figured out, and to finally feel confident in himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He and Eret still talked nearly every day, and Tommy started donating regularly as ‘Tree’ on their streams. It got to the point where he was a staple on their stream that almost everybody recognized. Eret even started calling him the nickname off-stream.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He liked it, probably a lot more than he should have. The nickname felt way too natural, and he got a serotonin boost every time he heard it. Another thing he liked was when viewers used gender neutral pronouns for him. He never specified his gender in donos, so the public just used they/them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, now that he’s figured out his sexuality he’d start questioning his gender.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He turns to Eret for advice, because they’re probably the most qualified person he knows. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tommy opens discord, clicks on their most recent messages, and begins typing, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘hey so is there a reason i like being called tree and they/them. like tommy is fine and i don’t hate it same with he/him but i just like the others better’</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well. Now that he’s actually reading it he thinks he knows the answer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eret is as supportive as ever, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘you might not be cis! you could be nonbinary, or agender, or anything under that umbrella. i recommend taking some time really researching different nonbinary genders and finding the one that fits you!! i can try to help as much as possible but it’s important you figure yourself out first :)’</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tommy really appreciates them. Has he ever said that? Maybe he should gift subs more often.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The blond starts with reading articles by nonbinary and agender people. Most people that use these labels don’t identify with any gender at all, so he feels like that doesn’t quite fit. It’s kind of close, but not really. He looks at genderfluid too, but that still isn’t right.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, he comes across demigenders. He throws away demigirl immediately, but demiboy is a much different story.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To quote the gender wiki, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“A demiboy is a gender identity describing someone who partially, but not wholly, identifies as a man, boy, or otherwise masculine.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And, well, </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck.</span>
  </em>
  <span> It describes him almost perfectly. He’s alright with being a boy, but the thought of being a man doesn’t sit right with him. He’s mostly a boy, but there’s something else that just doesn’t fit. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tommy is a demiboy. He/they. They/he. Tommy or Tree.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They go back to Eret, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘so if i was a demiboy and used they/he would that be crazy or what? haha like what if. lol’</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>‘congrats tree!! just to confirm, you want this to stay in dms, right? i don’t want to accidentally out you to the rest of the dsmp or the internet! i know i say it a lot but i am really proud of you’</span>
  </em>
  <span> Is the response Eret sends. It makes the teen’s heart clench.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He smiles widely as they confirm, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘yeah i would appreciate if it was kept private for now. i don’t know if i’ll ever be ready to come out publicly but maybe to my closest friends at some point yknow’ </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their phone dings with another message, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘i get that! i’ll always support you man, whenever you’re ready!’</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tree appreciates them. He appreciates them so much. He’s gonna gift them so many subs. Maybe he’ll send them a thank you card. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They don’t know where they’d be without Eret. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still confused, probably.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Definitely not comfortable with themself and their identity for the first time in his almost seventeen years of living.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A couple days later, Tree gets the familiar </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Eret is live!’</span>
  </em>
  <span> notification and quickly boots up their PC to watch. He’s using his alt, as usual, so he can dono whatever he wants.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, the first thing they do is gift twenty subs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tree with the twenty gifted! Thank you, man!!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tommy smiles, the name making his heart do happy flips in his chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He starts to type another coming out dono, a feeling of Deja Vu hitting him as hard as a brick.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>‘heyyy eret its tree again lol! i figured out i’m a demiboy can i get a they/he pog’</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eret laughs when they see the message, “Tree! I know you already told me off stream but that is very Pog! You are incredibly valid, dude!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chat flies by again, a mix of, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘THEY/HE POG!!!’</span>
  </em>
  <span> and, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘ONE OF US! ONE OF US!’</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another grin forces its way onto Tree’s face. They kind of wish their chat was like this, but he enjoys the chaotic mess that is his own chat. Even of they’re wrong’uns sometimes, he still feels fond of the people that helped them get to their position in the first place.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t think he’d ever tell the entire internet his real set of pronouns. They already plan on coming out to SBI as aroace, and that’s scary enough as it is. If he had to explain what a demiboy was and then also tell them he was one, they think they’d die on the spot.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh well. If they don’t support him, that’s their loss. If he’s happy with himself, who are they to tell him how to live? Yes, their opinions matter to him, but ultimately they can’t change him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As long as Tree has Eret, they think they’ll be just fine.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hahaaa i would love to see more demigender representation (in this fandom and on the internet in general)!! as a demigirl, i've always been so so excited to see other demipeople living their lives yknow? i hope some trans/nonbinary/genderfluid/demi/non-cis people see this and know they're not alone. i and so many other people love and appreciate you &lt;3</p>
<p>i was thinking about writing a sequel with tommy coming out to wilbur or the rest of the sbi but no promises lol? it's just an idea right now but knowing me i'll probably actually write it</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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